RAVENNA ARSENAL, OH: A not-so-secret weapon against radical Islamic jihadists has been developed to combat the ideological incentives behind the Muslim willingness to die. Since jihad martyrdom promises "six rewards," including 72 Dark-Eyed wives, many are willing to fight. Only one thing would prevent this immediate ascension to Heaven, and that would be if the jihadists were "unclean" at the time of his or her death. Nothing makes one more unclean than contact with pigs.
The new weapon is impressive in its simplicity. Nearly all wars in the latter half of the 20th Century involved the use of various types of bullets. One is called a "tracer," because a brightly-burning powder is contained in a pocket at the rear of the bullet. In this new anti-jihadist bullet, the powder is left out and is replaced with a punched piece of a pig's rib. The bone has been cleaned and sterilized so as not to produce infection if the combatant is not killed by the wound. Nothing in the Geneva Convention prohibits this modification, even though jihadists are not signatories to this agreement.
Testing has shown that the rib bone remains with the bullet after impact, but does directly contact tissue around the spent bullet. This contact, in effect, renders the jihadist defiled, unclean, and prevents entrance to Heaven. For an Islamic scholar to issue a fatwa countering the effect of this defilation would go against all Muslim belief. It is expected that this new bullet will cause potential jihadists to think twice about their commitment to die for their cause.
The new bullet may have already been issued to military personnel serving in combat zones in the Middle East and Southwest Asia, and is indistinguishable from the standard tracer round with the exception that it does not produce a light when fired. It is being produced in all standard military calibers that already use tracer ammunition. Thousands of restaurants across the United States are saving pig ribs from this traditional barbecue dish to supply the military's demand at no cost to the government.